Education by Any Means Possible

 

I’ve seen and heard many things in the last few days that have stuck in my mind…just like the important stuff is supposed to…

I watched Jane Fonda’s interview on Oprah’s Master Series today. She said something profound about herself after her mother died. She said that children create what they need to get by, for example, she put up an emotional wall to help her deal with the pain. The downside is that it took her 60 years to break down the wall and realize that emotions aren’t the enemy.

I think I have been going through that for the last year or so. While I still don’t like crying in front of anyone, I am getting better at dealing with what is upsetting me.

I used to fill my life with exercise and I was completely focused on food, and now that my life has opened up I need to find a way to meld the two.

We went to see The Vow today. I have never had a movie affect me that way before. That was a ’2 box of kleenex’ movie….It terrified me that someday Isabelle could forget who I was. It made me so sad that I just couldn’t stand it!

Say I’ve Had a Hard Time….

Well, that would be an understatement.

While I started this health journey because I felt alone in my relationship with Nancy, I met someone along the way who was struggling with the demon too. I didn’t feel alone anymore.

I knew that I wanted to reach my goal, and it helped to have someone, while not by my side, at the other end of the phone…the next tweet, the next text. My secondary goal was to be with someone who loved me for who I was, and deep into this involvement, I was alone again.

Now I have someone who takes my breath away every time I see her, who fills my heart with joy and who makes me want to be the best I can be.

I have let myself slip….back dangerously close to what I was physically…and that is affecting my head, my thoughts, my everything. I feel less secure, less self-confidence…and I need to get that back.

Like a few of my friends, my pants are getting uncomfortable…and I just want to cry most of the time.

I need help to do this again. Payday, I’m going to start with a fitbit…

It;s All About the Texture…

I am not very adventurous when it comes to food…I mean, realistically I lost all almost all the weight I wanted to last time, by eating the same 10 things.

I don’t think I can do that again…

So, I have been trying things…I’ve been adventurious….and that is a huge reach for me!

In the last 7 days, I’ve tried a muscle, a papaya, i tried vodka pasta sauce….and they all weren’t as scary as I imagined them to be.

I’m thinking I need to try something new at least once a week….maybe open up my taste world!

Somehow, Somewhere…

Blogging for me has always been easy. I just open up the laptop, write what’s on my mind, spell check it, and I’m done. When I “have to” write a blog….thats when it becomes hard.

I’ve been trying to think about a blog post summing up 2011, and I have been sitting in front of the computer. Staring at it staring back at me…flashing its little prompt….that little irritating prompt.

That’s when I decided that this just wasnt my subject.

I don’t get tongue-tied, nor do i get writers block. Only famous people get that. Especially when they have to balance what they say to what they feel they are allowed to say.

So, here it is. 2011 is in its last hours, minutes, seconds….and I don’t regret a single moment of it! For all the things I did, for the things I did and apologised for later, for all the things I chickened out of doing….2011 is what it is.

To my honey, the reason I get up everyday…I love you more today than yesterday, but less than I will tomorrow.

To everyone else, my friends, my twitter friends, my blog friends, my IRL friends…I wish you all this feeling that I have right now. The feeling of gratitude for all the lessons learned in the last year. The feeling of incredible love I have for Isabelle. The feeling that somehow, somewhere, I must have done something to deserve having this amazing woman in my life. That she chose me, still knocks me out at the knees and leaves me wondering what I did to deserve her.

I’m Here, But I’m Not…But I’m Gonna Be!

 

My goal….all in all, the losing 70 lbs and working through some of my issues, I had one thing in mind. To make me a better person, and to find someone to love  and be loving to…for the rest of my life.  Of course, I knew that I can’t do that unless I am happy with myself…

Well, I have found her, or she has found me….we have found each other!

It’s been over a year now, and every day I can’t believe she choose me! She is the perfect woman for me, and although I am far from perfect, I am trying to be the best person for her.

Somewhere in there, I lost my personal goal of losing the weight I wanted, and getting more healthy.  I think it’s time that I refocus on that.

I need to follow the same path I followed before. I need to get it in my head, and it needs to be do-able, the way it was before. I am going back to my old notes, and I see that with Kelly, I had a slow and gradual move towards the way I needed to be consistently. So, I am going to start it this way.

My Start date for this diet and exercise plan is January 1st, 2012.

I have a little over three weeks to prepare. That means, read over my old notes, get my vitamin regime going again, and finding a gym that I am comfortable at. Also, stopping drinking Coke, and starting to move towards the more healthy foods and away from the drive-thru  stuff.

Last time I started at 265 and made it to 189. Everything under 200 was a struggle. I guess that’s because I had less and less to lose.

This time, I am starting at 220, so I am still 40 lbs ahead of last time. I will need to focus on walking a lot, like I did before.

So, this week, I am going to eat right for all my meals, and have 1 day to have whatever I want.

I also need to work on my goals for 2012….the things I want to accomplish.

I would like my first goal to be 199….and able to exercise comfortably. I have all my old exercise tapes and DVD’s. I am going to aim for a 2 lb per week weight loss….so my goal date for 199 is March 15th. (I am giving myself a little wiggle room, because I know I don’t lose weight consistently)

I’ve had a few complications lately, I’ve had my gall bladder taken out, and I’m going through the beginnings of menopause. Both make sleeping through the night a challenge.

I am a little ashamed and embarrassed that I didn’t accomplish what I wanted to before…I have a stable home environment now, and I’ve had a number of positive changes in my life. I feel like I have something I’ve never had before. Someone who loves me the way I love them.

♥♥Thank You Baby, you make everything I do worthwhile! ♥♥