I don’t think I can do that again…

So, I have been trying things…I’ve been adventurious….and that is a huge reach for me!

In the last 7 days, I’ve tried a muscle, a papaya, i tried vodka pasta sauce….and they all weren’t as scary as I imagined them to be.

I’m thinking I need to try something new at least once a week….maybe open up my taste world!

I’ve been trying to think about a blog post summing up 2011, and I have been sitting in front of the computer. Staring at it staring back at me…flashing its little prompt….that little irritating prompt.

That’s when I decided that this just wasnt my subject.

I don’t get tongue-tied, nor do i get writers block. Only famous people get that. Especially when they have to balance what they say to what they feel they are allowed to say.

So, here it is. 2011 is in its last hours, minutes, seconds….and I don’t regret a single moment of it! For all the things I did, for the things I did and apologised for later, for all the things I chickened out of doing….2011 is what it is.

To my honey, the reason I get up everyday…I love you more today than yesterday, but less than I will tomorrow.

To everyone else, my friends, my twitter friends, my blog friends, my IRL friends…I wish you all this feeling that I have right now. The feeling of gratitude for all the lessons learned in the last year. The feeling of incredible love I have for Isabelle. The feeling that somehow, somewhere, I must have done something to deserve having this amazing woman in my life. That she chose me, still knocks me out at the knees and leaves me wondering what I did to deserve her.

I have been preparing and I am ready!

My goal….all in all, the losing 70 lbs and working through some of my issues, I had one thing in mind. To make me a better person, and to find someone to love  and be loving to…for the rest of my life.  Of course, I knew that I can’t do that unless I am happy with myself…

Well, I have found her, or she has found me….we have found each other!

It’s been over a year now, and every day I can’t believe she choose me! She is the perfect woman for me, and although I am far from perfect, I am trying to be the best person for her.

Somewhere in there, I lost my personal goal of losing the weight I wanted, and getting more healthy.  I think it’s time that I refocus on that.

I need to follow the same path I followed before. I need to get it in my head, and it needs to be do-able, the way it was before. I am going back to my old notes, and I see that with Kelly, I had a slow and gradual move towards the way I needed to be consistently. So, I am going to start it this way.

My Start date for this diet and exercise plan is January 1st, 2012.

I have a little over three weeks to prepare. That means, read over my old notes, get my vitamin regime going again, and finding a gym that I am comfortable at. Also, stopping drinking Coke, and starting to move towards the more healthy foods and away from the drive-thru  stuff.

Last time I started at 265 and made it to 189. Everything under 200 was a struggle. I guess that’s because I had less and less to lose.

This time, I am starting at 220, so I am still 40 lbs ahead of last time. I will need to focus on walking a lot, like I did before.

So, this week, I am going to eat right for all my meals, and have 1 day to have whatever I want.

I also need to work on my goals for 2012….the things I want to accomplish.

I would like my first goal to be 199….and able to exercise comfortably. I have all my old exercise tapes and DVD’s. I am going to aim for a 2 lb per week weight loss….so my goal date for 199 is March 15th. (I am giving myself a little wiggle room, because I know I don’t lose weight consistently)

I’ve had a few complications lately, I’ve had my gall bladder taken out, and I’m going through the beginnings of menopause. Both make sleeping through the night a challenge.

I am a little ashamed and embarrassed that I didn’t accomplish what I wanted to before…I have a stable home environment now, and I’ve had a number of positive changes in my life. I feel like I have something I’ve never had before. Someone who loves me the way I love them.

♥♥Thank You Baby, you make everything I do worthwhile! ♥♥

Back when I started my weight loss journey, that was my grain of sand moment. After losing 70 lbs, and slowly coming into myself, I thought I was where I needed to be. My lowest weight was 189….all the way down from 260. I was sure that I was finished my journey.

I gained some weight back…I am generally around 210 give or take a bit.

The God hit me with the stone.

Gall Stones to be exact. At first, I thought it was anxiety, then indigestion, and finally to the realization that it was something physical. A gall bladder attack always happens at night, and usually leaves me in a tub full of hot water reading, until the pain goes away.

THAT is the stone from God that means I have to eat differently, and low fat will have to be part of my life, for the rest of my life.

My life has finally started. I have waited a long time to find what I have found. The love of my life, Isabelle. I thought I was in love many times before, but this has shown me how wrong I’ve been. Those were, infatuations, or I guess what I thought love was ment to be.

I don’t know where my life is going, or where I’ll end up, but I know I will be beside Isabelle.

I want many things from our relationship, but one of the most important things, is to live a long happy and healthy life.

I don’t ever want to be without her.

I am going to try to get back into blogging everyday, because that always made me feel great!

So, stay tuned!!

Losing weight seemed like as good a focus as any….and I would end up healthier in the end….but still alone.

I did lose close to 70 pounds, not reaching my goal weight of 170, but still a good accomplishment. I won’t say I’m satisfied yet, but I am satisfied for now. 

My life has been a whirlwind of activity, some good and some bad. I picked the wrong person to have a relationship with, and that was a nightmare and a disaster for both of us. I have moved on from that, and have gotten my life back in order, somewhat. Now, I am refocusing…

I want to get back to working out in the morning, because I FEEL GREAT when I do. I need to get myself back on my diet plan first. One step at a time. I know that works for me.

So this week, I want to cook my salmon, have my rice, veggies and fruits prepared as I did before, because that allows me the best route to success. I deserve to be happy in every aspect of my life, and I plan on working towards being better to myself, starting now.

2 weeks into the diet plan, I can start going to the gym again. I am at 210 currently, and my goal is still 40 lbs away.

Things have changed for me on the personal side.

I have someone in my life that is positive and honest. She tells me what I need to hear, as gently as possible of course. She makes me talk about my childhood, something I’m never comfortable with. She holds me when I cry, she tells me the things that I don’t particularly want to hear, but need to hear to move forward.

I am very excited to see what the future is going to bring for us.I want to marry her, and be with her always.

I have made a number of bad choices in the last 4 months, and I have paid the price, emotionally and physically. I chose to be room mates with someone for the wrong reason, and in turn….everything went to hell.

I am out of that situation, and trying to turn things around. Unfortunately, I hurt her very  much also. I just couldn’t be what she wanted me to be, and I just knew it was time to go.

well, the shit hit the fan, and I was given a few hours to move out, then I felt stalked for a few weeks while her anger burned itself out. Not a nice month or two….and no way to  treat anybody, or be treated.

So, today, I hold up my white flag to the universe….and say, I give in! I am going to stop trying to take my life places where I know it shouldn’t go….I’m going to give up trying to do things for the wrong reason….

I am back living for me, and trying to reach my goals again.

Stay tuned for what will hopefully be a productive weekend, and a whole new life starting Monday!

This weekend was a great experience for me. I feel like I found something that I’ve been missing in my life for a long time.

Although this was Pride weekend, I went to a union convention. Friday night was a meet and greet, and I was a bit uncomfortable, being the new kid. Then I met so many interesting women! (it was all women by the way). 

I missed the political activist part of my life. I have a history of going to demonstrations, of non-violent opposition, of making sure my opinion was heard. Hearing the underlying results of what the government was doing, and how it was affecting women was an eye-opener.

I felt the pilot light go back on….The workshops on the saturday and sunday were good refreshers. They were good main stream topics such as how to write a letter to a newspaper editor and how to hold a brown bag meeting.

definitely different from the sit-ins, die-ins and other civil disobedience type demonstrations I remember.

The second part of the weekend was PRIDE. I was a bit upset that the 2 events fell on the same weekend, and I didn’t realize it until a week or 2 before…so after the conference, Bonnie Isabelle and Louise and I headed over to City Hall and danced our asses off!

I have to admit that I feel infinitely more comfortable around gay people, at least when I’m dancing. I am not a good dancer, and I enjoy it more when I’ve had a few drinks in me. After all, when I’m dancing beside a skinny indian guy covered in sparkles, wearing fishnets and frilly red underwear, with devil horns on his head, and dancing with a hula hoop…who the hell is going to be looking at me?

My first dealings with a union left me cold. I was not happy with the money I paid every month especially never meeting anyone from the union. All I knew is that I paid $40 per month, and I got a sticker and a balloon once.  WTF!!

So Isabelle, this is a huge Thank You…for opening my eyes to what a union is. A group of people, both men and women, that just want to make things better for everyone. A group of people who want everyone to be valued for who they are, and for everyone to be treated fairly.

I’ve had my feelings hurt lately, and I have been trying to just blow it off. But the more I think about it, the more I feel left out of my “group”, the more I am reaching for the wrong foods, the less exercise I am doing.

The more I stew about it, the less I want to talk to them too. I just want to say, “why didn’t you invite me?”, but I guess it feels way to much like high school and I’m afraid of the answer.

I have been down lately, and I’m sure that doesn’t help…I am not always a positive girl. Bad habits die hard. But I am trying to, no….scratch that…I am fighting to get back into the swing of things, and this little slight really felt like a kick in the head.

Maybe I am just being overly-sensative, but I thought friends are the ones that pull you up when you are having a crappy day, week, month?!?

I’m not trying to pass the blame….I should be able to let it go. I am feeling hurt, because I am letting myself feel hurt. No one controls me pain but me. I guess I am feeling this way because no one seems to notice….or care.

I feel abandoned…maybe its just time that I put a voice to my feelings….maybe that will help me free myself. I read a bunch of quotes that I really like….

YOU were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it.

So, for another day, I am going to point myself in the right direction, try to make the right choices…and try to figure out where I belong.

To get up in the morning only to know that you’ll have to face another obstacle takes strength. To smile when the only thing you can do is cry takes bravery. To act happy and laugh when you know that times are at their worst takes courage. To be joyous when the only good news is the best of the bad news takes support. To be there and help others through the roughest times in life takes love..

There are two great days in a person’s life; the day they’re born and the day they figure out why.

Your biggest challenge isn’t someone else. It’s the ache in your lungs and the burning in your legs. And the voice inside you that screams can’t. But you don’t listen, you push harder; and then you hear the voice inside you whisper can. And then you discover that the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are.

So Fail. Be bad at things. Be embarrassed. Be afraid. Be vulnerable. Go out on a limb or two or twelve, and you will fall and it’ll hurt. But the harder you fall, the farther you will rise. The louder you fall, the clearer your future becomes. Failure is a gift, welcome it. There are people who spend their whole lives wondering how they became the people they became, how certain chances pass them by, why they didn’t take the roads less traveled. Those people aren’t you. You have front row seats to your own transformation, and in transforming yourself, you might even transform the world. and it will be electric, and i promise it will be terrifying. Embrace that; embrace the new person you’re becoming. This is your moment. I promise you, it is now, now, not two minutes from now, not tomorrow, but really now. Own that; know that deep in your bones. and go to sleep every night knowing that, wake up every morning remembering that. and then .. keep going.

You change for only two reasons: You learn enough that you want to, or you hurt enough that you have to.