What a strange thing self-esteem is…one minute as strong as a cement structure…..but with one comment, a snide remark, a sideways glance or just a lifetime of self doubt….many people can turn to jello. A quivering bowl of inexplicable fear, self-deprecation and feeling like your I.Q. is on the downside of a rollercoaster.
For anyone who knows me, really knows me….they know that I am like a skateboarder on a half-pipe when it comes to self-esteem. I am on the board now, but at any minute, I could be on my ass.
Depending on my surroundings, I am an extrovert or an introvert…it depends on my self-esteem level at the time, and if I feel free to be myself or if I have to hide myself from others.
I find different things affect my self-esteem level too…
Different clothes. When I wear certain objects of clothing, I can feel immense power. I stand taller, I feel more sure of myself. But that too is wrong. I am giving my power to an object, the same way some people associate their “things” as part of themselves.
Different situations….I find my new job very stressful…not because it’s hard, but because I am not learning how to actually do my job. There is a definite lack of guidance that eventually made me realise a lot about myself. I enjoy being busy at work. I Like excelling at my job. I take a lot of my self-esteem from how I do my job.
My family…If you have met them, enough said…if you haven’t….be glad.
My friends…lately I have drifted from my core group of friends. They are either busy with their kids, their families, or their new relationships. It is lonely.
I need to learn that my self-esteem IS based on me as a person, not what I do, where I live or what I own. I have let my focus on me be overshadowed by my worries about this job, and whether I will last here or not. I have since discovered that Tina (the girl who started a week after me) and I, are surrounded by consultants hired for a specific task or ability, We were wondering why no one was teaching us anything…consultants have no concern whatsoever about what we learn and if we are self-sufficient or not. So we are on our own to figure out what we need and how to arrange it.
So, as a first step back to focusing on me, I have signed up for my first 5K. It’s in Ottawa in June. I have set myself a $500. goal to collect from sponsors….Want to sponsor me? It’s not a shake down…$5.00 is fine…the money is going to the Brain Tumor foundation and you can check it out at the following link:
I now have a goal for the next few months. C25K, here I come!