What If…

“What if’s” have always been a huge part of my life. For those of you who do not know me well, I am obsessive about a number of things. Cleanliness and organization being two that I am totally ok with being obsessive over. Other “what if’s”…not so much.

I can obsess about the “what if’s” in an upcoming conversation, until I am satisfied that I have covered every possible answer with a legitimate response. Someone very important to me said that must be exhausting, and truthfully, it is. I like to be prepared-if not over-prepared. I don’t like to get caught off guard….that shows a lack of preparation. i think that’s part of the reason that I am not overly thrilled with this job yet…too many unknowns for me.

That being said…this job is forcing me to let go of the things I obsess over. The preparation, knowing all the answers before I go into a meeting, the feeling confident because I know what’s coming. I believe there is a reason for everything, and maybe that’s why I am here, at this time in my life.

I have been thinking about another “what if” lately too. I wonder how different the world would be, if everyone saw themselves as others see them? Shannon (www.fabfattie.com) wrote some very kind words about me on her blog today, and to tell you the truth, I feel like she’s describing someone else. I want in the worst way, to be the person she describes, to FEEL like I am what she sees. That I own those descriptors. I think that’s what my true journey should be. It’s almost harder to hear good things about myself, than it is to hear bad things. I struggle to say Thank You when I receive a compliment, and to not negate it by discounting it with any other response.

I EXPECT the bad things, that is what I am comfortable with.

I have always been able to say that it wasn’t true…that I’m not fat, I’m not stupid, that I will amount to something…So if I deny the bad things someone else says about me, how can I accept the good things?

This for me is a lesson, one I hope I can learn this year.


2 responses to “What If…

  1. Jenn! Wow…you are really getting to know you…that..what I too am finding lately…is the true key!! Mwah! you are getting there…I am so proud of you!

    Oh and BTW I believe Shannon described you pretty well..she seems like an honest person and would believe whatever she says!! 🙂

  2. Another touching post. I can feel you speaking from the heart. We have never met in person, and we probably are just beginning to get to know each other, but I am pretty confident that there is something I know very well about you – there is no lying in you. You are the real deal my friend. – Lori

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