…which can be a good or bad thing. I have had many addictions, be it smoking, food ,drugs or trying to please people. The difference is, I try to manage my addictions. Sometimes, successfully, sometimes not.
I was really unaware of my addictive nature, until I watched a show about Ozzy Osbourne. It told about his life, and how drugs and drinking almost did him in. Directly after that, there was an episode of The Osbournes. Now, there was the same Ozzy, after battling all the “bad” addictions, making a green smoothy and running on the treadmill.
Same addictive personality, different addiction….a more acceptable one, but still an addiction.
While I never was much of a big drinker, I did do drugs (not to excess – but mostly because of a lack of money), smoke cigarettes (when I really didn’t like them…), tried to please people and keep them happy (never been successful at that yet) but my true addiction, my overpowering LOVE, was food.
Food made me instantly happy, if not in the long-term. I never made good food choices, and always felt guilty afterwards.
Food never called me fat or ugly – like people in my life always did. Sometimes they said it plain calling me Jennifridge…sometimes it was more subtle…but I think food’s hold on me was how it made me feel while I was eating it. It made me feel ok. It made me feel capable of doing things. That chemical rush of sugar…is what I lived for most. Food was my reward for getting something done, was when I loved myself the most. Right after I ate, was when I felt accomplished!
I know that is part of the reason why I panic when the fridge is getting empty.
I have been trying to get away from that.
Buying locally grown produce, and buying it often, has led to a much emptier fridge on a consistent basis. I have had to keep a lot of water in the fridge, both for energy efficiency and the look on a “not empty” fridge.
Twitter became an addiction, My BBIM group also became an addiction….and lastly, people can become an addiction for me. So for the month of May, I needed to prove things to myself. I needed to see that I can do things by myself. I needed to be away from all the supportive voices (relegating myself to 30 minutes a day max for twitter), and I needed to make myself present in my own success story. The first few days were awful. I still looked at my Blackberry about a thousand times a day…wondering if it was broken….realizing it was me that was broken.
I felt so alone.
Then I sucked it up, and did it for myself.