W.I.D.T.H….

Jacksh*t has done exactly what he wanted….he has gotten into my head and made me think. W.I.D.T.H….(or why i do this here). He has made me question myself and why I decided to take this journey.

Originally, I just wanted to have something to distract me when I was getting laid off from my job. I knew I would need something to fill all the time. The last time I didn’t have a job was a very traumatic experience for me, and I decided that if I had a focus, I would get through it better.

My last job…..If any of you have worked in a call center, it is a constantly busy place. There is always something to do, and all this activity, no matter how much I complained about it, filled my work hours completely. The prospect of all that time to be with my own thoughts scared me. I used to make fun of my friend Mike, for not being able to be with himself for longer than an hour or two at best…but the fear I had was I couldn’t do it for long either.

The last time I was unemployed, right after school (at 39) was very traumatic for me. I hit a depression like a race car driver hits a wall….full force and leaving nothing to chance. I felt alone, abandoned and unsupported. If I lived higher than the 5th floor, I might have considered it….the jump…but a 5th floor jump would only end in pain.

Leaving my first job….The feeling of being useless was hard for me.  And this is a warning to all you parents who have kids that work at McD’s…after 16 months of working at McD’s…you have learned all you are going to. I worked there for 22 years.  Some people will argue with me, but management at McD’s convinces you in very underhanded ways that you can’t succeed anywhere else like you can with them….TOTAL AND UTTER BULLSHIT!!! The skills young people can learn there are good, don’t get me wrong….I just had bought into the lessons that I would never progress anywhere else, and that kept me prisoner. I was so afraid of failing when I went back to school….that was an added push. My parents were against it, I had a “good’ job…why wasn’t that enough?

After getting my Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer certification and then my A+ service technician certification, I felt like I had proved it to myself. I could still learn. I felt I could still learn….that was something I needed to know in my heart.

So….my getting healthy was for me….and was a distraction at least, at the beginning. But I wonder how long it can last as a me only thing?

I need someone who is physically present to help me stay this way. Life has too many fun distractions…and they are becoming hard to ignore….

as always…in the back of my mind….is trying to pass the police physical fitness exam…but fear is still holding me back there.  competing with 25 year olds…never been on my list as a “want to do” thing.

Originally, I had told myself that losing weight was the goal, but the side effects are many. I have more self-confidence…although I do slide backwards sometimes. That place where I hid myself is still a very comfortable spot…I KNOW it well. I feel like I can accomplish things that I would never have tried before. I want to learn how to roller blade, I want to get back into skating and maybe skateboarding…

I have a love hate relationship with running. I LOVE it until I’m doing it…then I hate it….when I’m done, I LOVE it again. That is a huge challenge for me. I have my first 5K in a few days. I had plans of running it with someone very special to me. I have known for a while that will not be happening…and it makes me sad. I haven’t told anyone else in my day-to-day life about it, because I just want to have it done now….for me.

Will I be running in another 2 weeks? Who knows. I LIKE the changes that have happened in my body and my mind.  I need to think about it after this 5K….Sometimes progression requires change….

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One response to “W.I.D.T.H….

  1. “sometimes progression requires change” – I am RIGHT there with you. I too am feeling myself shifting. I will be 100% honest with you about running – I too love the idea of running but the actual work of running – let’s just say my favorite part is being DONE with the run. I like what running does for my body but sometimes when I’m out there and everything hurts I ask myself “exactly WHY are you doing this again?” I don’t get the same feeling running that I do cycling. My hubby LOVES to run – he can’t wait to get out there and it is so easy for him. So again I keep asking myself why I don’t cycle more if that is what I really love? Maybe I think that if I cycle more and run less I’d be considered failing? Sometimes I think “am I running because he runs?” Thank you for this post – I need to keep thinking really hard.

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